Continuing the previous Post, let’s change a bit the perspective and focus on one result of cultural changes in subjectivities that comes from a gradual change in parenting. As we were saying before, from Millennials generation on, parental models have become more flexible and open to dialogue. This is great, in the sense that parents are less repressive, and this also may contribute to weaken the “right or wrong moral boundaries” from parents from the past. Well, it is a fact that children today are exposed to tons of information that include moral ambivalences and ambiguities that are quite advanced for their stage of development. It is also a fact that they are more allowed to experiment and are encouraged to be constantly creative. And these are aspects of new parenting in this contemporary world.
Why does it matter?
To our purpose, it matters because it is, in some way, connected with news forms of anxiety. To help understand the connection between contour, limits and anxiety, let’s use some metaphors.
1)Think of an anxious person like a party balloon- the more anxious they get, the more they swell. They “ask” for an external stop. They can’t do it by themselves. Different from a compulsive act, which may also derive from anxiety, but would be better described by some situations in which a permissive behavior overcomes self-control, this sort of anxiety is a pervasive state of mind that can’t cease.[1]And the ceasing may come in the form of a NO, or a LIMIT from the external world. Limit, in this sense, work as a contention.
Now, think of a child who can’t control their anxiety and have very understanding parents, who don’t see why their kid is that way, since they are open to dialogue, and are interested in them. After a while, the ex-kid, now a puber/teenager grows more and more agressive. They may have had several plausible psychiatric diagnoses, have tried many strategies- medicines and psychotherapies among them-, nothing works[2]. This is a typical situation in which parents may be trapped. This is because they probably are, at this stage, overwhelmed by feelings that go from being afraid, guilty, to feeling impotent. There is no simple answer to that, but distinguishing No from Punishment might help parents in some ways. Setting limits is not the same as punishing. Instead, it helps kids raise confidence in themselves, since it helps them develop self-contention. Of course, there are lot of examples of repressing parents who are not open to dialogue and who say no just for the sake of no. We are not addressing these situations. However, sometimes, a No is necessary, and it makes kids feel calmer. This is because not everything is possible in life, and, in this sense, the family works as a micro-society, teaching it to their kids. In such cases, “no” is not repression, it is, actually, protection.
2)Think of limits as a window net
People who have cats or who are familiar with cat’s parenting, know that a cat cannot be in a room, alone, without a window protection. This is the idea we want to convey. Meaningless” Nos” might be destructive. Conscious/firm “Nos” are protective[3].
To be continued in the next Post [1] We would better call it, for the sake of accuracy, anguish. However, in order to bring the idea closer to people’s daily understanding of their emotional states, we will keep it this way and try to make a distinction between what might be understood as circumstantial, existential and neurotic anxieties. [2] Obviously, this is a fiction case, and, for ethical purposes, we are not referring to any specific case. [3] I thank my supervisor Magacho, M., from São Paulo School of Psychodrama, for this image. It’s been helping me a lot with parents in clinics.
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