Continuing the previous Posts, let’s come back to the results of cultural changes in subjectivities, still focusing on parenting. In order to do so, let’s remember the notion of contention as protection (the images of an anxious person as a party balloon that can’t stop swelling and the image of limits as a window net for cats[1]). One of the most common difficulties of today’s parents is how to navigate over dialogue, counseling, to support and also to say “No” to their children. We live in times in which it is easy to have access to information on digital platforms. However, it may be also not trustworthy, since there is a lot of information that lack solid research, both clinical and academic. This context may contribute to building an atmosphere in which support may be confused with by hesitancy and children/teenagers test parents on that, because they are not aware of the consequences of their acts. Teenagers, more specifically, are full of testosterone, they want to explore the world, experiment, and they are, by this time, fully equipped to argue about what they want, but are certainly not ready for any disastrous consequences. Giving reasonable “nos” may frustrate kids, not repress them. Instead, as we can clinically attest, frustration is necessary to prepare them for the adult world and will certainly help them accept external limits. It is worth noting that lack of contention (self-restraint) is not a synonym of lack of limits. Having limits, however, helps build self-contention. Regarding this topic, what usually helps parents is replacing (the feelings of) guilt for (the concepts of) responsibility and consequences. It is hard to give general counseling to parents or kids because each family has its own dynamics. Broadly speaking, though, from a psychological perspective, conveying the importance of responsibility propels kids to search/fight for what they want, understanding that not always they will be successful, but many times they will. This way, children/teens internalize their sense of accountability that comes together with gratification, when they are well succeeded. This is what it means to build an atmosphere of genuine trust from parents in their kids, and it is, in my opinion, the most relevant ingredient to raise them with self-confidence/ strength of Ego. And, well, if this is not enough to define kids’ emotional health in any specific case, it won’t hurt either. Hence, regardless of the specificities of each family, self-contention is a crucial and subtle concept to describe emotional balance. Over-contention may repress kids/teenagers. Over-protection certainly weaken them.[2] A sufficient level of contention, coming, to a certain extent, from limits, is precious for a healthy relationship. Finding a good balance between “yes” and “nos”, might be a good tip[3]on how to achieve this. The right measure is hard to say. But this is where the craftsmanship of raising someone to world comes from.
To be continued in the next Post [1] Fore mor information see Post 11. Limits and Contour. The difference between repression and contention, in Cultural influences in Identity. In: www.ceciliapsicologa.org. [2] Remember, trust is mutual. The degree to which your children can trust you will be reflected in their own ability to trust(…) (…) Distrust in children has also been associated with their social withdrawal and loneliness. If we don’t feel trusted when we’re kids or if there isn’t anyone close to us we can trust, we don’t get over it. We grow up thinking we’re not trustworthy and we accept that as a character trait (…) (…) I realize it can be hard for parents to project a strong sense of trust that than empower their children. What they project is fear. They think their child will afraid to sleep by themselves, that they need their parents, that they can’t do it on their own(…) You want your child to want to be with you, not to need to be with you”. Wojcicki Esther. How to raise happy and successful children.August 18th, 2020. (p40,41and 43). [3] I borrowed this concept from the “good enough mother” from Winnicott, D.J.
Comments