Anguishes linked to sexual and love mismatches are triggered by difficulties in interaction that may be concerned with the three kinds of anguishes: circumstantial, existential, and pathological.[1] Such difficulties may come from one or more of the bonds that constitute relationships: 1) loving ones, 2) neurotic ones (the ones of emotional dependence or compensation), 3) the ones related to many conveniences that are found in relationships and the network that surround the couple: extended families’ influence, professional environment, besides their individual or shared networking. Understanding in which of the sustaining bonds is the crisis enables therapists to correctly diagnose the source of the crisis and to apply the correct strategy. Anyhow, regardless the bond in which the source of the crisis is, the clinical strategy for couples’ therapy relies on two main branches:
1) To work on neurotic aspects of the relationship:
Through frank dialogues the therapy enables them to get in touch with their vulnerabilities and the therapist helps them to talk about it without judgments. This is the path toward a new stage in the relationship, in which they develop more intimacy and maturity. We also call this stage de-enchantment, since its goal is to help them go through a process of “de-idealizating” the partner and/or the relationship. One of the psychodramatic techniques that can be used at this stage is Role Reversal with the particular purpose of helping them to put themselves in their partners’ shoe[2], i.e, try to feel as the other would in that situation.
2) To work on negotiations:
Once neurotic aspects of the relationship are mapped and patients are referred to individual therapies in order to work them out, the next step is to work on possible deals between them to fix whatever is making the relationship unbalanced. Then, it is time to help them build what we call their Shared Area, i.e, help them understand their relationship as something apart from their individual histories and individual and/or shared networking, which means something that they’ve built together and, thus, it is their responsibility to nurture. The goal is to create rules to build and manage this part that will co-exist with the other areas of their lives. Therefore, this stage is concerned to making the necessary negotiations to plan their life from that time on or to regain confidence in the relationship[3]. A more detail article on this topic is coming soon.
Anguishes in relationships may also differ between them. Some of them concern to mismatches between the couple, while others, despite of the cause, triggers individual anguishes. In order to understand how individual anguishes are triggered in relationships, we divide them into two main groups: anguishes related to social environment and anguishes regarding sexual partners[4]. Anguishes triggered by the relation between individuals and society/culture are, usually, associated with bias and discriminations.
Cultures have different moral codes that are intrinsically linked to social and individual expectations, which may be external and internal. When these expectations come from the outside, they mobilize circumstantial anguishes, i.e, anguishes that are proportionate to real threats or impediments. Circumstantial conflicts may also trigger existential anguishes, if the situation and its associated conflicts imply abandoning or reviewing peoples’ previous life projects. Psychotherapeutic strategy, in these cases, is to help them deal with conflicts, keeping their emotional balance. It means to work on their “healthy side” or, in technical terms, on strengthening their ego, so that people are able to find authentic solutions to their conflicts or deadlocks. An authentic solution entails accepting and integrating aspects of their personality that have been left aside. Strengthened/ broaden egos, though, are aware of the pros and cons of their choices: it is not the psychotherapist task to define what is or is not an authentic choice. A choice will be an authentic one, once it is personal and integrated.
To be continued in the next Post [1] For more details about anguishes see Dias in: Anguishes Post 5 Existential Anguishes in: www.ceciliapsicologa.org [3] Conjugal crisis will be better explored in further articles. To more details see Dias in Conjugal Crisis Post I, II, III in: www.ceciliapsicologa.org [4] For more details see Dias in Sexual Identity Blocks in: www.ceciliapsicologa.org
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